Butternut Squash Soup with Caramelized Onions, Rosemary, Goat Cheese and Bacon

From the time I was very small my need for punctuality has caused great anxiety, and still does today, although I feel things have greatly improved. Who can say for sure where it comes from? Most people I am close with are not timely individuals, my family included. Perhaps it's thanks to my grandfather on my mom's side who was a general in the US Air force? His capacity to be precise and punctual is something worth seeing. Whenever we go out for dinner he puts his suit on and parades around the front of the house, frequently announcing in a terrifically booming voice Are you ready yet? It's time to go! Which is met with much frantic grumbling and scurrying about as everyone else tries to catch up. Truth is though, he's just early.

For the past five years, it's as if I've been living in a windstorm of Jude and her madness over time. Madness about getting things done, about being the best, about loving, about not loving, about trying to conquer the world in a day and achieving everything I could and more. It's made me really ill, to be honest, this racing, this frenzy. No, I haven't been in and out of the hospital etc., it's been more of the old western maladie: anxiety over mere existence and losing what we wanted to keep forever. Oh dear. But when you hurry hurry hurry so that you won't miss out, or when you squeeze squeeze squeeze so that you won't lose what you have, it will surely end, as I have unfortunately (and very fortunately!) found out, in tears and madness.

It's because I fear the end of things. It's because I love this place so much, this life, this world, and I don't ever want it to go away. Oh but it will go away! I know. And the only way to be happy while it's slowly going is to know that it is, and that things will change, for better and for worse.
I've spent a lot of time fretting about not having enough time. At the old wise age of 23, I appear to have found a sort of thread of rationality somewhere in the depths of my dramatic exuberant mind, and I know time is tick tick ticking away, but it doesn't seem to bother me as much. When it does, I don't slip so hard and crash to the ground, I just kinda stumble, and then take off running again. I still get up every day and kinda do a little fist pump, a little skip and a hop, ready to tackle mountains of sometimes unachievable tasks; I still plan my days, make lists, worry, grumble, cry etc., but this is drive and this is living and there is a lightness, a warmth, and an ease of acceptance that wasn't there before. It just doesn't feel so heavy, and I'm glad, because with so little time, why and how could we spend so much time worrying about it all?

But how in the heck does this relate to soup?! Well, I was thinking about this while I made the soup and while I wandered around today, going to the library, translating some for work, riding my bicycle. And how I cook with much more patience these days, how I don't look at the clock, how I don't panic about overcooking things (ahem, most of the time). It's like I've let Time have his way with me a little, like I've let him lead.

I've been creating this soup in my head for four days and excitedly planning when and how I was going to make it. Finally tonight I did, listening to Dvorak's New World Symphony super loud, and man, she was a tasty little one.

Butternut Squash Soup with Caramelized Onions, Rosemary, Goat Cheese and Bacon

Makes lots!

3 C chicken stock
1 big butternut squash (about four cups of squash I'd say)
1 massive white onion
1 1/2 C apple juice (or cider)
some rosemary (about 2 TBS)
8 strips of bacon
a small round of goat cheese
salt and pepper

- Preheat oven to 375 degrees C
- Cut the squash in half and place it face down on a baking sheet. Bake until soft (about an hour).
- Cut the onion in half and then into very thin slices. Put the sliced onion into a skillet with butter and olive oil. Fry over medium heat until soft and golden (about 1 hour). Set aside.
- Chop up the bacon into small bits. Fry them in the onion pan. Set aside.
- Chop up the rosemary. Set aside.
- Reduce the 1 1/2 C apple juice to half in the same skillet, so you collect all the good left over charred bits from the bacon and the onion.
- When the squash is done, remove the skin and add the flesh to the stock, already in a pot.
- Add 3/4 of the onions.
- Add the reduced apple juice.
- Blend with a hand blender, or a food processor.
- Taste.
- Add rosemary and some salt and pepper.
- Dish up the soup into bowls, add a dollop of reserved caramelized onion, cover with goat cheese and a handful of bacon. Let the cheese melt for a couple minutes, and then eat.

On the side, I recommend the following Spiced Cranberry Chutney on buttered biscuits or a loaf of homemade bread!

Spiced Cranberry Chutney
As adapted from Lucy Waverman

We made this for Thanksgiving and it was really TO DIE FOR on those sweet potato biscuits. Holy! Plus it cooks itself, which is terrific, and it's not too spendy.

1 green apple, peeled, cored and diced (about 1 cup)
½ cup granulated sugar
1 tablespoon maple syrup
½ cup cider vinegar
½ teaspoon ground ginger
¼ teaspoon ground cardamom
½ teaspoon ground cinnamon
¼ teaspoon chili flakes
3 cups fresh or frozen cranberries (375-ml package)

Place all ingredients in a medium pot over medium-low heat. Bring to a boil and let simmer gently for 10-12 minutes or until apples are soft and some of the cranberries have popped.

PS I bought some sausages to go along with everything, but I wasn't so hungry, so I kept them for another day. However, if you have more mouths to feed, or some protein hungry monsters on your hands, some sausages would be a welcomed addition, I'm sure. Maybe accompanied by a spinach salad with a honey mustard vinaigrette, dried cranberries and walnuts on the side? Delicious. Also, I have this feeling that putting the chutney into the soup would be quite sublime.

Enjoy dear friends and readers, enjoy.

Enthusiastic about fish

I am enthusiastic. That's even an understatement. At the end of high school, someone wrote in my year book that they couldn't understand how someone could contain so much enthusiasm and not explode, or perhaps they said spontaneously combust. Wow.

Well, the tradition reins on. And tonight, I made fish. Libby has put up with my ranting about wanting to eat fish for two weeks. Well, I'd say it's been really bad for about five days. I wake up and I see fish; I taste the moist, pan-fried crispiness, butter and lemon juice, a sprinkling of herbs. On my bike I imagine poached salmon covered in Bearnaise sauce. Running in the park I think about pecan-crusted halibut. I dream about going to the market and talking to the fish monger, asking them what's good, how I should cook it, sniffing the fish to check for that clear sea-salt water smell. And so, today I did it, braving the rain on my bike, barely able to contain my ecstasy.

And I bought some Orange Roughy. The guy said it was awesome, showing equal exuberance to that I was trying to contain. After complimenting me on my awesome red helmet, he dove into a long explanation about how to cook the fish, just in butter, salt + pepper, then lemon, waving his arms around, excusing himself, it was hilarious.

Why have I waited so long to fulfill my craving? Well, to be honest I can take daily life rather seriously (a little too so in fact). And over-fishing problems cause stomach pains, fish farms give me migraines, not to mention the fact that I don't live near the sea..... (results in insomnia). I've been giving myself a hard time, but I'm starting to hate tofu and beans. It's not fun. Well, not on repeat. And I eat tons of peanut butter and hard-boiled eggs, which are delicious! Don't get me wrong. I just don't see why I have to take it so far. So extreme.... I worry about the quality of the fish, where I buy it, the price, the transportation costs. All good things to consider, yes, but there are other ways to go about this, as in just going to the right place and swiping the plastic. So yesterday I bought a new summer dress (dark blue wrap-around) and tonight I made fish.


Here's my plate (yes I stopped 1/4 of the way through to take a picture) of orange roughy which I first pan-fried and then smothered in brown butter sauce with roasted pecans. To accompany, I cooked polenta with parmesan, rosemary, and salt and pepper, roasted broccoli with leeks and steamed kale. Oh my. Oh my.

So here's a little note about cooking fish.

First, get a good piece of fish. One that smells like the sea. Fishy odours begone! That's a fillet that's been around for a while. Before cooking, take the fish out of the fridge so it is at room temperature when you put it in the pan. Heat up a heavy-bottomed, well-oiled skillet until smoking hot, and place the fish bottom side up so the top gets nice and brown first. If your fillets are really thick, you might want to just brown the outside, transfer it into an oven-proof roasting pan and cook it at 350 degrees F for 5-7 minutes. Mine were thin enough to pan fry and they took about 3 minutes on each side. The best test is to take a peak inside. The fish is ready when the inside is still slightly glossy, or somewhere in between opaque and transparent. It will finish cooking on the plate while you make your brown butter sauce. Over-cooked fish is rubbery and disgusting. I've seen too many fish haters in my time and it's a crime (though perhaps a plus for the over-fishing problem, but a downer for the fishermen; there are two sides to every problem.) Mastering this skill takes practice, so that's important to remember. I am trying to be kinder to myself and not spend the whole time worrying whether or not I've screwed it up. Positivity is the new word here.

For the sauce, and before you fry the fish, toast whole pecans in a skillet, chop them coarsely and set aside. When the fish is done, melt 1/3 C butter in the same pan you cooked the fish in, scraping the bottom to incorporate all the crispy crunchy bits. The butter will foam up and begin to brown. Keep stirring it around and turn the heat down to medium so it doesn't burn. This all happens really fast, so add your nuts, stir them around in the butter until it turns slightly golden. Pour the sauce into a bowl you have already waiting beside the stove. Dish up the rest of dinner, spoon the brown butter and pecan sauce onto the fish and don't forget to squeeze a quarter of a lemon on top!

I actually yelled with excitement. Which looked something like this:


The realization I've come to is this: I'm going to live frugally in other areas of my life. I will go to the library to check out books, I will not spend 100 dollars on CD's at a time (a favourite pass-time of the tree-planter lady with a comfortable bank account), I will not waste my money on silly activities like getting wasted at the bars on St. Laurent (a favourite pass-time of many people, why I'm not too sure). I know I just bought a dress, but it was a graduation present to myself and a tribute to my new positivity, so fault me if you wish. Instead, I will buy good ingredients. My smoked paprika! I put it in everything, and it's awesome. Like into the hummus I made today. Delicious.

Well, I can't wait for breakfast!

- chef murph